Testimonies - Beauty In The Scars
Set Free From Torment
At the young age of 6 my life was turned upside down and forever changed. I am the youngest of 4 children and the only daughter. My mother had been tormented by mental illness since before I was born. I am sure that her anxiety was fed to me in her womb and as I nursed. As a new born I had colic - stomach distress - which led to constant crying an inability to receive the two most basic needs - love and nourishment. This created in me what is known as failure to thrive - and the trauma of unmet needs.
Growing up I was extremely bashful, fearful, and needy. Fear of rejection, abandonment, punishment, failure and physical harm made it painfully difficult to make friends and made me a perfect target for bullies. Though my teen years the verbal and emotional abuse continued which led me to seek escape through alcohol and drugs and sex. I am thankful for my mother's prayers which kept me alive and out of serious trouble during those rebellious years. At the age of 19 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Saviour and began to see changes in my life as a result. I finally felt loved, valued and safe. He became my All in All.
But throughout my young adult years I continued to struggle with fear, loneliness, shame, and insecuriry. I was finally making friends, but my relationships were shallow. I lacked the ability to connect at a heart level in relationships. My heart had been so broken that as a child I made vows to self protect at all cost, because no one else was reliable to protect me. So many years of rejection and abandonment left my heart expecting the worst out of life and people. As I was to learn during school at Elijah House Ministries International, that expectancy would actually become a self fulfilling prophecy. As the book of Job says, "that which I greatly feared has come upon me."
My testimony is to the faithfulness and goodness of God. He spoke frequently to me through His Word and through prophetic words given to me by others that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Hope was ignited in my heart and I held on to faith in God's promises.
Through a long process of stepping out of denial and shedding the facade of "there's nothing wrong with me", I have with the support of my family and Elijah House Ministries worked through the traumas that led to a whole system of lies about myself, about God and about others. The truth truly will set you free. On the other side is victory, wholeness, connection, purpose and power. Not only am I no longer a victim, I am now triumphant through Christ Jesus in every circumstance. I am now on the war path and choosing to use what the enemy meant for evil as a means to bring freedom and healing and restoration into the lives of others.